In The Key Of Positive

I'm Sorry That Happened To You

8/2/2020

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I need everyone's help. Please feel free to forward and share.

Would you all please help me to show my mom, aunt and the rest of their siblings, how easy it is to say "I'm sorry that happened to you." by typing it below. They're disowned at this point because they can't seem to utter those simple words. Some people just have to be loved from afar...including family.

As you all know, I had a cousin to pass a little over a week ago. He was 1 of 3 siblings from my uncle on my mom's side. They had a rough childhood, as my uncle sometimes beat them until their blood was on the walls. In one instance, my uncle broke a chair and didn't remember that he had broken it, and a few days later he punished my cousins for breaking the chair that he broke.

My cousin, who died, was beaten often because he was fat and wouldn't lose weight. One of his other siblings had an undiagnosed learning disability and was beaten for not getting better grades. The other brother was beaten because his brother was fat and because his other brother wasn't getting good grades, or sometimes because his brothers went to bed 5 minutes too late. In other words, he was beaten for things that he didn't even do. And remember, these beatings could result in bloodshed, and were not regular whoopings.

According to the brothers, their father was more heavy handed on the youngest, who passed, and then the oldest, when he came to his youngest brother's defense. They recalled getting beat randomly and viciously, basically whenever their father felt like it. They lived in constant fear of one sibling getting in trouble, because most of the time, if one did something that their father disliked, then all of them would feel the repercussions and be punished. They recalled a time when they were beaten because one of them laughed while they were watching TV, which woke up their sleeping father. The brother who laughed, expressed that he couldn't recall how long it took for him to laugh again after that.

For years, these particular cousins lived in another state with their father, and practically raised themselves. They lived separately from my uncle and his second wife, as she didn't want her kids from a prior relationship to be raised the same way that he was raising his kids. According to my cousins, my uncle would arrive at 4am for them to do PT (physical training), military style before school, since he was ex-military. He'd then return for a moment after school to make sure that they made it in the house. Then he'd go to his wife's house to stay overnight. (God rest her soul). This began when the youngest was about 8 years old, and the oldest was about 12. According to my cousins, they fed themselves, bathed themselves, and did their homework alone. And the neighbors somehow knew to check in on them periodically.

Over 20 years ago, there was a life-altering fight between my cousins and their father. My cousins recalled that their father was trying to literally kill his eldest son, who was 16 at the time, by strangling him beyond having bloodshot eyes. Fortunately, his 14 year old brother, was able to help him get free from their father's deadly grip. That same night my uncle broke an oar (boat paddle) across my 16 year old cousin's head, and was literally trying to kill him again. Again, the same brother tried to help stop their father from brutally attacking his brother, while the youngest, who was 12 at the time, stood frozen. Out of shear luck, and not malicious intent, the father ended up on the ground after a punch to the head. With fear of him possibly getting back up and attacking them more aggressivsly, many more punches were landed by my cousins in hopes of keeping their father down.The brawl resulted in their father being rushed to the hospital in critical condition. He survived, but not with the same mental capacity after coming out of a coma.

From that point on, my cousins, were ostracised and called demons by their dad's siblings who are my aunts, uncles, and mom. Again, that was over 20 years ago and not much has changed. My mom, aunts and uncles still act as if my cousins attacked their father for no reason, instead of acting in self-defense.

Now fast-forward to last week. After the funeral of the youngest, one of my aunt's, who I grew up with, decided that she wanted to move forward with building a relationship with her remaining nephews. Her suggestion was to put the past in the past. I found it weird for my aunt and one her siblings, my uncle, who attended the funeral, to try to reach out to my cousins, when they didn't even make sure that their father was present at his own son's funeral. However, they usually make sure that my uncle makes it to most of the family gatherings. Like I said earlier, my uncle's mental capacity is so that he doesn't fully understand what happened during the fight with his sons. So the distance between my uncle and his sons that exists today, has been perpetuated by my uncle's siblings moreso than by my uncle and his sons. But that's another story altogether.

Now back to my uncle's siblings, wanting to put the incident in the past. They had the audacity to address my cousins, taking the position that although you all did what you did to my brother, we're big enough to forgive you. My cousins were like, we can't move on until you acknowledge our trauma that came from being beaten by your brother which caused us to beat him in an effort to keep one of us from dying at his hands.

Now the next part happened the day after the funeral, at my cousin's house. I had already been there visiting when my aunt, a young cousin, and my mom came by shortly thereafter. Unwilling to acknowledge anything other than the kids' role of beating up their dad, my aunt says "We don't know anything but what we know." My cousin responded that although our dad had 11 brothers and sisters, (the same aunts and uncles that I have) none of them reached out to him or his brothers to ask them what happened, or to see if they were ok. The aunt responded that the kids should have reached out to them, and that at this point, they should just go forward from today. My cousin and I reiterated that that couldn't happen until the torment that they underwent was acknowledged. My cousin proceeded to explain to my aunt and mother, that they endured beatings that led to bloodshed as mentioned earlier. My aunt downplayed it and said that what my cousin said was just his perspective, and merely could have happened, while my mother said nothing. By my aunt's nonchalant disposition, she might as well have said that it didn't happen. My aunt then went on to say that it sounded like regular father and son whoopings. I asked everyone there if they had had whoopings that led to bloodshed. Everyone said no, including my aunt, but she still proclaimed it to be normal and expressed that she would need more information concerning their abuse because that was only his side. She then went on to say that her son, my cousin, visited my uncle's place for summers and enjoyed it. I reminded her that my siblings and I went as well in addition to other cousins, and that most of us enjoyed it. In my head I was thinking "what abuser would openly abuse his children, to the point of bloodshed, in front of houseguests who would go back and tell?" My aunt was getting on my nerves as she spoke foolishly and unempathetically.

I verbally responded saying that even without being told more information, with what they now know about the kids being beaten, that that should be enough to say "I'm sorry that happened to you." My mom stood there silent as my aunt expressed that she doesnt have to say I'm sorry, just because I said so. I explained that it's not just because I said so, but because it's the human thing to do.

My cousin had had enough and headed inside as my aunt blamed me for making things worse instead of acknowledging that she and her siblings weren't ready to accept that her brother abused his kids, and was beaten within inches of his life as a result of them trying to save their brother from being killed by him. My mom walked off in silence, as her sister continued to proclaim that I was to blame for making things worse.

Shortly thereafter, my cousin sent a group text with the group picture that they had asked to be sent, that we had taken before the conversation broke out. My mom and aunt said thanks, but still didn't have it in them to say I'm sorry that happened to you. That pissed me off since my mom and aunt go to church, pray, and I can't even begin to tell you how many bible studies and prayer groups my mom does a week. But they had no empathy for my cousins, their own flesh and blood. However, they'll be the first to be sad for the people on the news that they don't even know. Smh.

In the group text that started with the picture, I explained to my cousin ( who already knew), and to my mom and aunt, that my uncle, their brother, who they thought was above beating his kids, had tried to have sex with me when I let him spend the night at my place when I was 17. I also told them that there was also evidence that my uncle, their brother, was on drugs, which could have caused his unpredictable mood swings and unorthodoxed beatings. I also disclosed that my aunt's oldest son, my first cousin, raped me for years until I was sobbing one morning when he came in the room. I don't even know how old I was, but I didn't even have pubic hair and he was probably a young teenager.

I figured that they'd at least be able to say I'm sorry that happened to me, which would allow them to then be able to say it to my cousins. But nope, not at all, from either my mom or my aunt, and it's been over a week. Only my cousin had enough humanity to say "I'm sorry that happened to you", ironically, just as i was the only one to say those words to him.

In the text exchange mentioned earlier that included my cousin, aunt and mother, I mentioned that one of my brothers and my father had done things that I'm not proud of to people I love, which don't keep me from loving them, and which don't keep me from being empathetic to their victims. I imagine that my mom and her siblings feel that they are being loyal to their brother. However, wrong is wrong, and it doesnt get a pass just because a sibling or anyone else related does the wrong or because the perpetrator was hurt in the process of doing the wrong. I also stated that it was sad to see their behavior as Christians because if Jesus had nothing else, He had empathy.

I told my mom and aunt that I'm sorry for whatever happened to them growing up, which could be anything wiith 12 kids in a 2 bedroom house with an alcoholic father, and a mother who may have had some mental issues, which one of my older cousins thought could be the case. I was young when my grandmother died, so I can't recall.

My aunt tried to call me the day of the text exchange, but I'm sure it wasn't to say I'm sorry that happened to you." since it has not been said. I'm sure that she just wanted to make a case for her son, or say it didn't happen, just like she did with her brother. My mom and aunt have decided to try to keep on living in darkness. However I've obviously decided against that. Unfortunately, half or more of my mom's siblings have mental health issues, some diagnosed and some not. This dark place that they hide in is probably why.

The good thing from this is that I figured out where my depression as a youth came from. My first experience with depression was after the first sexual encounter with my cousin. And it kept growing with every encounter. By the time I went to counseling at age 21, because I had taken a stress leave from work, I was diagnosed as severely depressed, when I didn't even have a clue that I was depressed at all. But now it all makes sense. Although I never confronted my cousin, I forgave him long ago as a young adult, as I chalked it up to him just being a curious teen. I guess he wasnt sneaking into anyone else's room while they were sleep...

Anyhow, would you all pray for me and my family and type below "I'm sorry that happened to you." so that my mom and aunt and anyone else who needs to say that can see how simple it is. Thanks! Also, if you're sorry you did something to someone, let them know. Make peace.

Specifically, you can pray for me as I have zero respect for my mom at this point. As a result I have resorted to calling her by her first name and have said a few curse words to her via text, which I haven't done since I was a teenager. She literally tried to continue to act like I had said nothing in the text for over a week. When she decided to say something to me, it was about breakfast. She only tried to act conscious of what I had said when she heard me telling several people the details of the incident, and she knew that it wouldn't be swept under the rug. She then went on to try to depict me as a villain to one of my siblings, by sharing texts out of context. At this point, if she died tomorrow, I probably wouldn't even attend her funeral, since apparently that's optional now if a parent or child does something disageeeable.

On the more positive note, I hope that this helps many others who come from families who refuse to acknowledge their abuse and say I'm sorry that happened to you. With all sincerity, whoever you are, "I'm sorry that happened to you."

#imsorrythathappenedtoyou #iSTHTY

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This week, I have been informed of death, after death, after death. All were relatively young, which reminded me of the fact that time is short. Therefore, if you have someone you love, show them. If you have a dream to manifest, do it. If you need to forgive or be forgiven, allow it. If you need to finish what you've started, finish. Don't take for granted that the opportunity will be available later in time for anything that you are forfeiting to do now. It might not.

Today, I encourage you to do what you need to do today, because life is short. Time is short. What are you intentionally doing with yours?

Be blessed and stay encouraged. I love you.

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When we live in moments, it's impossible to have bad days. Looking at things from the perspective of moments allow us to let go of the last moment and live for the next moment with great expectancy. While it's true that negative things can happen to us in the course of a day, it's not likely that they are going to be the only things to happen. Sometimes they're just the most memorable.

Today, I encourage you to learn how to let undesirable things that happen in the course of the day go. Instead, intentionally recall all that went well and expect more of that to come. Intentionally live life in moments, and avoid submitting to the idea that it's possible for a day to go all wrong. That's impossible if you woke up to experience it and lived to tell about it.

Be blessed and stay encouraged. I love you.

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The other day I wrote a post that had improper grammar. The title that I posted was "On It's On". However, it clearly should have read "On Its Own". Since I wrote the post while I was half sleep, I didn't even notice that the mistake had been made until about half a day later. I could have gone on and said nothing about the obvious mistake, but something told me to use the error as a learning tool.

The lesson to take from this is that because I'm saying something about my own mistake now, noone can hold it over my head and threaten to use it against me later. Putting it out there in the open frees me up from stressing out about potentially being called out. If someone was to bring up my error now, after I've already admitted to it, it would be old news and the shock factor and sting of it would be very minimal or maybe even nonexistent.

While the above example is simple, the advice applies to any size mistake, big or small. For instance, if I admit to having sex and a child out of wedlock, if someone else was to say it, everybody would already know and be like tell us something new. The examples could go on and on, but the bottom line is that when we take ownership of our mistakes and don't try to hide them, they can't be leveraged against us as easily, especially if we've already corrected them if possible. Owning our mistakes takes away the power that the knowledge of our mistakes gives to others.

Today, I want to encourage you to own your mistakes. Mistakes happen. But what matters most is how we choose to handle them. We regain our power when we own our mistakes.

Be blessed and stay encouraged. I love you.

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I haven't worked out in quite some time due to chronic aches and pains. However, as a result, my body has changed in manners in which I don't approve. Needless to say, I had to make a choice to work through the pain. It was hard, but I did it and will continue to do so until I achieve my desired results.

Today, I want to encourage you to do something about the things that you don't approve of in your life. While the process may not feel good, in the end, the results will be well worth it. Push yourself to work through your pain because your success awaits.

Be blessed and stay encouraged. I love you.

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Sometimes what you need to happen is going to happen on its own. I was reminded of that fact when I stepped across the grass early this morning, and felt the wetness of the morning dew. Nobody plugged up a sprinkler and watered the grass overnight. It was just supernaturally watered on its own.

Today, I want to encourage you to remember that sometimes the thing that you need is not going to happen by your might. Instead it's just going to happen on its own and have nothing to do with you. And it is possible for it to happen overnight.

Be blessed and stay encouraged. I love you.

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For some people, no matter how good they have it, they never seem to develop the ability to observe the overabundance of good that exists in their lives. That's unfortunate because many times they end up losing out on good things and people due to discontentment or the inability to be appreciative. Some of us have good wives or husbands, a great income, an above average job, a thriving business, exceptional health, healthy children, a loving family, a top of the line vehicle, a higher education, and a beautiful home and still have the audacity to take it all for granted. Unfortunately, many suffer from a woe is me, or victim mentality, and act like the world is totally against them, when it clearly isn't. While it is true that we'll all face hardships at times, if we look for the good even in the midst of our less appealing seasons or situations, we'll find that a measure of goodness still always exists.

Today, I want to encourage you to learn to be satisfied with what you have. To never be satisfied equates to never being happy and life is too short, and overall too good, for such a tormentous existence. While there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more, if you're not happy with what you have presently, no matter what you do or gain, happiness will remain elusive.

Be blessed and stay encouraged. I love you.

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Don't let your big mad get you in big trouble. At all times, it is imperative to keep your peace and have your emotions remain in check. Unfortunately, if you don't, there's a great possibility that you could end up doing something that you will regret and can't take back. Even worse, it could lead to a setback that won't be easily overcome. Don't do that to yourself.

I know someone right now who recklessly lashed out in a moment of rage at work for literally no reason other than to be mean. They obviously had been getting away with the behavior for a very long time. But this time there would be consequences and repercussions. Their hot-headed actions are being investigated and could affect their employment. And who has a job that they can afford to get fired from right now? Noone.

Today, I want to encourage you to avoid being big mad. Don't ever put yourself in a position where your emotions can cause you to act out in a negative way. Practice being in control of yourself so that you can avoid having to dig yourself out of big trouble. Your time would be much better spent doing anything else other than that.

Be blessed and stay encouraged. I love you.

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Last year, I enrolled in an online course to get current on a certification that is necessary in my field of work. I had taken the course online years ago and remembered that the amount of work required was excessive and took forever to complete. Because I thought that I knew what was required to complete the course based on my prior experience, I delayed taking the course. As a result, to get an extension to do the certification course this year, I paid an additional $150.

Since I've had more time than usual lately, I decided to go ahead and begin the course. To my surprise, it was nothing like it was before. It had been drastically simplified. I was able to complete the coursework in a day, which was mainly viewing videos that contained information I already knew from my formal education and years of experience. But the icing on the cake was that the stringent 100 question tests after each of the almost thirty chapters was eliminated. There was simply one final review exam with only 30 questions, that I passed on the first attempt. Now, I just have to schedule a proctored exam, which I will do this coming week. And by the end of the week, I will have completed a goal that has been on my to-do list for way too long.

Today, I want to encourage you to go ahead and revisit that thing that you fear will be too difficult and take up too much of your time. Stop putting it off. Since time has passed, it's quite possible that you have gained more knowledge and experience to make accomplishing the task easier. Also, things could have changed from what they once were to make it less overwhelming. Therefore, you could be wasting precious time thinking it's a big undertaking when it's not. It's just a matter of doing it. You're ready.

Be blessed and stay encouraged. I love you.

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For the past few weeks I have been doing some serious preparing and praying on how to go about executing some things in the next phase of my life. God has clearly put some things in my heart to do, but I felt like I needed more clarity on what to do first, second and so on. I was concerned about which pathways would be most effective and most successful in this new coronavirus era. And of course, which things needed to be abandoned.

Out of the blue, over the last couple of weeks, I have had four phone conversations with people I know well, but don't speak to often, as well as three conversations with new found friends and acquaintances. Ironically, all of them, while having a general conversation, confirmed a very specific aspect of what God had placed in my heart to do, without even knowing any of my plans. Needless to say, my confidence skyocketed as I gained an even stronger sense of clarity. All of the unsolicited confirmation let me know that I was on the right track.

Today. I want to encourage you that your confirmation will come. It may come through other people, road signs, television, books, dreams, or various other ways. Therefore, don't limit the method of delivery. Honestly, there's really no limit to the method. Whether you're seeking confirmation concerning work, relationships, finances, health decisions, etc., whatever it is, the clarity will come. Sometimes it will lead us to press full speed ahead with our pre-existing plans or thoughts, while other times we may be lead to cease and desist. Regardless of the direction in which we're steered, again, fret not. Your confirmation will come.

Be blessed and stay encouraged. I love you.

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From the Author

Life is beautiful even when things aren't perfect, which they never are. Everyone will always have obstacles to overcome daily. However, the key to getting through them is to accentuate the positive. In The Key Of Positive does just that.

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In the key of positive

I'm Sorry That Happened To You

Time Is Short

Live In Moments

Own Your Mistakes

Work Through The Pain

On Its Own

Never Satisfied

Big Mad

You're Ready

Confirmation Comes

From the Author

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